I'm a 41 year old monk

Ok glad the title got your attention. Something I learnt while copywriting for a global platform and their clients a few years back. No, I am not a 41year old monk. But with Covid19's isolation, reflecting and daily practices of tried and failing self-discipline at diet, I could well be described as one.

The last days I decided to give a day or two to viewing some philosophical, theory-based content. Of course a lot of my thoughts shared on my active social platforms (a must for engaging in the 21st century and to be aligned to current /future business pillars). References were made to David Bohm, Anne Frank and the profound beliefs of Krishnamurti.

The subject of relationships came up during Covid19 and I wanted to extend my understanding beyond the typical sorts of relationships which exists between people. I needed to understand a bit more on the meaning of life, the workings of mind, the relationship with Self and with oneself. Since from this, I believe all relationships would flow into everyday relationships we live out.

 You know, this piece is written in a time when I too question the nature of various professional, personal, platonic and very personal relations. Mostly I must question my relationship with myself. So being honest with myself first is a must. You know I say all the time how I am the most imperfect person I know. I mean it. But in saying this, it is not to undermine my sense of self-worth or the few beliefs I like to hold onto tightly. The first is, I want to believe that I do not know too much even though I have many opinions. This should keep me learning and remaining teachable. And interestingly, Krishnamurthi in some of the content was thought to be "an empty vessel". How lucky to be that. To forget and to every day start a clean canvas which is easier said than done. I'm not that fortunate, evolved or stupid. I remember stuff. Some of it works for me and my growth as well as for others.  But yes, some things should simply be forgotten and even if through some assisted understanding and process.  I watched on Gwyneth Paltrow's show Goop of interventions. It was a bit strange and conflicted my traditional beliefs. But medicine is advanced, nutrition and why should we not be open enough without being compromised to exploring new means for betterment. I mean who wouldn’t want to forget some terrible boss, or some horrible relationship or maybe even a personal life trauma.  

This is the other thing Covid19 has me doing. I consumed chosen content. I can't say I was ever a TV person until this pandemic arrived. A relationship with myself which got me into a few mainstream ways of living. I still couldn't entirely lose my 4am wake ups but I get to rest more.  Even "rest"  is questionable because this lockdown saw everyone I spoke with feeling like they needed a break. This is even with working from home and for some in their PJ's.  This also being the reason I wanted to explore what relationship with self, the brain, one’s mind etc. means when exploring the subject of relationships. 

So. If I had to describe myself in a few words - ALL OR NOTHING would be perfect. Very similar to a favourite car brand of mine too. Which also makes me see how incredibly demanding I am of myself when I decide to move forward with a relationship in business or personal. But then I sometimes think that I should be doing more. It leaves no room for grey being a black or white upfront kind of person. Strategic but not lacking in sufficient transparency for honesty. Generally I think relationships are incredibly complex by nature of just being a human being. Krishnamurthi and David Bohm, in one conversation, spoke of how thought is the reason for chaos. I mean thinking is all we do! Be it with a very basic decision or a very complex one,  we start with a thought. Their conversation also leads to the idea that it's not enough to think things into being. If I got that right. Things did get complicated for me listening to them. I feel we can think things through and coupled with right actions, outcomes can be pre-determined and to some extent controlled. 

Boy, life and relationships can be so complicated. Even with oneself. I recently explained to a loved family member of how I felt a set of inconsistent actions are not valued. How it led to unnatural behaviours. I mean to even identify that, process it, address it, manage the consequences from it is just tiring. I, by nature of who I believe myself to be, do tire myself out! Which brings me to the juicy stuff. The relationship status and matters of my heart.

Firstly if I really wanted a kid and husband by now, I'd like to think I'd already have one :). I'm old school enough but that's not top of my list. I need a few other things before I get to any of that stuff with any potential suitor. I've made lots of personal sacrifices in my life which I am protective of and selfish with before I simply make any major decision. I also have been burnt in the past and it is a process. But I am also grateful to people who made me realise what I am not missing out on. Personally, I don't want to think about home-schooling and major loses in school fees for 2020. I don't want to keep postponing a business arrangement or bath because my life simply doesn’t allow.  I am also clear about my purpose which even as a old fashioned women, is not very conventional. I see the worlds children as mine too.  If I am blessed with the personal stuff to work into these realisations, that would be great. For now, I remain happy and not short of anything really. I feel incredibly blessed and favored and wish the same for everyone else.

But I know I have missed many personal key moments and maybe that to has been accurately judged for whatever it can be at everyday living standards. Again and in keeping with honesty with self first, I accept it. But please easy on the judging, if it's even your place to!:). I acknowledge my shortfalls and with understandings that I may be a bit different. I recently went as far as saying to a loved family member how I could be the worst family member for forgetting birthdays etc. However acceptable or unacceptable I may or may not be, I like to believe I am truthful to the realisation of what I am about - to me first- and the rest is indeed a work in progress. 

For me another lesson from all the content I have consumed and particularly David Bohn and Krishnamurthi was found in the breaking of habits. And especially those which confines, limits, hides the trueness of one. I believe we need to know warts and all to get to our "next". I think it’s with honest relationship with oneself that all else can maybe be a little easier. But no guarantees, trust me! The hardest relationship choices I think I have to make is when I need to choose my own wellbeing, which is not easy for an idealist to some extent.

To the people happy in relationships, I am happy for you and think it's great if marriage and kids is your idea of your ideal world. To make choices and to live them through as contently, honestly and happily as possible is respected. But don't judge the happiness of others who may park those choices. To the people in unhappy relationships, I think you can try to do better with yourself and each other (I'm not saying leave). To families with turmoil affecting relationships, it is not uncommon or just with yours, mine, or ours. So relax. To those hoping for better business relationships, ah - especially important! Be fair and equal in effort, with understanding and transparency. The realities of things are always hard but with right partners, the joys so much sweeter. I am particularly grateful to mine who supported me in this time . To those on a journey of self-discovery, where the hell does one start are my immediate thoughts! I started, through circumstances, many years back with a basic understanding of myself, my purpose, my needs, goals and wants. It gets clearer with time and sometimes extremely conflicting - tricky too. I had to face up to my mess up's and to the acceptance that I do expect alot of myself and of others. And that it's ok to have high standards.

So to close, because I was asked who I am cooking for as that's more food than just for one person who lives alone. Like the Anne Frank Netflix documentary and lesson I took from it, let your imagination go wild! Ah the blessing and damn of being bright and supposedly "beautiful".

I hope you enjoy your Saturday.

Marica